Sommaren är över. Min sommar åtminstone. Nu börjar arbetet imorgon igen, tillbaka till rutiner, till stress, osv. För att maximera kontrasten har jag (och Rowan Williams) tillbringat en vecka i det franska klostret Taizé, och därtill veckan i tystnad. Under veckan har jag stiftat närmare bekantskap med Hans Urs von Balthasar genom den helt igenom underbara boken Heart of the world. Man kunde citerat hela boken här, men jag nöjer mig med ett litet smakprov enligt följande (samt en uppmaning att genast beställa boken).
There is a community of saints, and there is also a communion of sinners. Perhaps they are both one and the same thing - this chain, this wave that rolls on through days and centureis, a bloody stream of guilt, the blunderersä course of those who drag themselves down and pull themselves up again. One life of warm guilt and of warm remorse throbs through them all, and amid this dark stream of good evil suffering there flow also the redeeming drops of your blood, O Lord. You shall save them.
I have been expelled from thus communion of sinners. Stiff and frozen, rolled up lump-like, I cower to the side: my sin is without comparison. When those other fail, the angel of God weeps in their midst. For me there is no angel. When they fall, a secret vessel bursts in them and bitter longing is pired out like a sacrifice. But in menothing breaks any longer. Everything is hard and inexorably sealed off. When they have sinned they may still go on and pray. What prayer should I stull be able to utter that would not be accompanied by hell's mocking laughter? How am I still supposed to believe what I say to you? "I am sorry." "I want to love you." I have proof from experience that this is not true. In others the offended Holy Spirit still moans on. In me everything remains mute, and this, very likely, is what is called the sin against the Spirit. The others fall on their knees before the Cross. I've managed to get behind the Cross. The others persevere as men taught by God: "It was good that you humbled me, for thus I learned to know your justification." I have long since graduated from this school; in me sin no longer has any improving aspect. Sin in me is round and sated and unassailable from any side - a ball of fire and iron.
Leave me alone. Neither let your Mother touch me. I am no sight for you two. Do not waste your compassion on me: it would be missplaced. Let the inevitable come down on me. To the one on your right up there you promised Paradise. I heartly concede it to him. He has earned it. He did not know what he was doung. Be happy together in your eternal garden! But don't torture yourself over me. I'll always be the one on your left. And stop torturing me too with your torture. Try to forget me.
WAS THAT LIGHTNING?... (s. 148-149)